You never know what you have, until you clean your closet. My dream job would be the Karma delivery service. 192. You wanna know who Im in love with? This is because, in order to be funny, there are certain details that need to be perfectly delivered. So, watch your words, restructure your thoughts, and stay positive if you want to see a change in your life. Short Funny Quotes. When shit hits the fan at work, I turn it into fertilizer., 10. Build a bridge. Youll probably grin or laugh if you say these affirmations aloud, thinking youre crazy. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 175. Today Im going to reach for the stars so that I can air out my armpits. Why did the can crusher quit his job? 171. A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. It is, therefore, safe to say that, sense of humor. 39. Can February march? Because they make up everything. What do you call a bear with no teeth? I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge. 143. 279. Not looking at the price tag when Im shopping., 11. 183. The following is the list of some humorous affirmations for you: I am doing all the amazing things because I am an amazing human being. This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed. Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world. It has the power to add levity to our daily challenges. Benjamin Franklin Never judge a book by its movie. You can think about your affirmations at work, while driving, when you practice yoga, and when you spend time with your . 156. 181. Robert A. Heinlein, 243. 187. You might enjoy: Affirmations: 13 Answers You Should Know. 108. Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else. I am capable of rewriting my grievances and transforming my fears. 253. I am transforming into someone who is outgoing and makes others laugh. Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. 49. When our phones fall, we panic; but when our friends fall, we laugh. Life begins on Friday night. 15. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wifes mother. 134. I can always think of something funny to say. I try to see the funny side of every situation. 43. Because they make up everything. 202. 250. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. 24. My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so people dont think Im dead. For the best seat in the house, youll have to move the dog. Papercut: A trees final moment of revenge. Its not important to win, its important to make the other guy lose. Dear universe, Im totally open to all of the amazing things coming my way. I'm Sergios Rotar, a 21 years old personal development enthusiast. As an Amazon Associate we earn from qualifying purchases. 192. Funny Positive Affirmations For Work. 234. Im not arguing, Im just telling you why youre wrong. 31. I hope you enjoyed this article on funny affirmations! Exercise? "Don't let anyone ever dull your . 1. If you have crazy friends you have everything youll ever need. I can believe in myself for 5 minutes. You may think youll never get over it, but you will, and youll be fine., 7. no rich foods. "I receive what I believe.". 149. I experience ease and flow as I navigate my exhilarating life. As long as I have best friends as weird as me, I have everything., 10. I ve had great success using daily affirmations for my personal development. I dont think thats a coincidence. 60. 191. All you need is love. 6. 46. 81. Your email address will not be published. Sincerely, the floor. Today Im going to reach for the stars so that I can air out my armpits., 8. 52. Just like every Monday does on Earth. 6. Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it. How do you count cows? 159. Top 10 Funny Affirmations For Self-Esteem, Funny Daily Affirmations To Boost Your Energy, Funny Positive Affirmations For Confidence, 90 Funny Affirmations To Start Your Day With Laughter, 90 Inspiring & Funny Quotes About Ageing Gracefully, 280 Positive Money Affirmations For An Abundance Mindset. You may feel a little embarrassed and vulnerable. 228. 115. I wonder why spiderman narrated it the other way round. I breathe in and out. Laughter brings me closer to people. With time, I have started to value more time. To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. I have Alzheimers bulimia, first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke. 132. 34. 251. 4. 90. We frequently doubt ourselves. My diet for today: 1% food, 99% Halloween candy. Dont forget that you get 24 hours, even on your worst day. There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldnt even jump puddles for you., 13. Here's some short funny affirmations that will hopefully brighten up your day. If you think nobody cares if youre alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 208. I receive what I believe. What is Mozart doing right now? 278. 131. 20. I crack the right joke at the perfect moment. My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldnt walk to the donut shop. It's why you may feel excinervous (aka excited and nervous at the same time). 163. I put my phone in airplane mode, but its not flying. 197. I am joyful for achieving the ones I did. 189. My funny vibes attract my funny tribe., 3. Today, I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym. 274. Every time you are able to find some humor in a difficult situation, you win., 5. 184. By waking up and repeating this mantra, you will set the tone for the day. 8. An apple a day keeps anyone a way, if you throw it hard enough. 168. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. God has never abandoned me. "Being funny doesn't take much effort.". But a little chocolate now and then doesnt hurt. 8. 197. Marriage is like a walk in the park, Jurassic Park. Here is a list for you that has all the funny affirmations: I am making myself laugh every time I say any sarcastic word. I am here to live to the fullest. 123. Its okay, he woke up. So with that being said, heres a list of funny affirmations to motivate you to come out of your comedic shell. If you just want to keep reading, then heres some affirmations about the funny side of friendship. Im like a postage stamp. I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. 65. 2. Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. I dont cross oceans for people who wouldnt cross puddles for me. I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. 132. 118. You cant have everything, where would you put it? I will go out. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the journey. The rest are too expensive. Honolulu, its got everything. I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. Today I was a hero. 182. 123. 186. These funny ideas are smart and a bit sarcastic and will bring a smile to your face. Discover short videos related to funny affirmations on TikTok. Smiles are contagious, be a carrier. Socrates. Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize. Yeah, so is a grenade. 8. Dave Barry 203. Im not here to judge, Im just pointing out all the mistakes youre making. Chris Rock 185. 47. Sam Levenson If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. I am strong and getting stronger every day. Which affirmation put a smile on your face? Shoot for the moon. Swimming trunks. 181. Envelope. I have a new hairstyle today, its called I tried. Smile today, tomorrow could be worse. Today, I acknowledge the time I have spent over the week. Read the first word again. And a funny bone. 223. I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. 71. Run. I am calm, patient and at peace. 68. avoid carbs. 67. 45. He who laughs last didnt get it. Im gonna be worse., 12. 104. The most important thing to remember when using positive affirmations is that it is all about how you feel. I train my body. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I cant see. Art doesnt transform. Awesome things will happen today if you choose not to be miserable., 7. 109. 2. A backbone. Sorry, I didnt pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ringtone. I tried looking at the bright side of life, but it hurt my eyes. 205. I did not trip and fall. Hmmm, this text message is a little too harsh, Ill add LOL at the end. Emphasis on the cool. But this shouldnt be a problem, as you can come up with your own humorous affirmations. Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. Sometimes these surprises are way too spectacular and sometimes way too tragic. I dont need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry. 112. Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo. I thought you said extra fries. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. 25. Smiles are contagious, be a carrier. To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. When life gives you melons, you could be dyslexic. (John 14:27) 27. Charles M. Schulz Look, youre smiling! Keep your affirmations in the present. 260. 16. 61. Today I will embrace the poop. Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Lifes biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I dont want to get out of bed. 2. Ive collected 90 funniest affirmations from different sources on the web that will help you start a day in a positive manner. I put my phone in airplane mode, but its not flying. Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. "It's going to be hard, but hard does not mean impossible.". Sincerely, yourself., 2. 7. Self-worth has nothing to do with clothing size. Steven Wright, 252. Im not running away from hard work, Im too lazy to run. I like my thoughts how I like my whiskey, always glass half full., 11. If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot. When I can laugh at myself, life becomes so much easier. Marriage is like a walk in the park, Jurassic Park. Today I will embrace the poop., 7. No matter what a mess I am, my kids adore me. 15. Oh sheet! Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. Why cant you trust an atom? 59. 1. happy. 141. 180. Affirmations are a powerful tool to overcome self-sabotaging thoughts and boost your self-esteem. 138. Learn sign language, its very handy. 224. I am grateful for that time. 182. 206. Dont give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer. Heres a list of funny affirmations that will improve your mood instantly. I dont know how to act my age because Ive never been this old before. 79. I can always be fatter. Short people with an umbrella. Your eyes water when you yawn, because you miss your bed and it makes you sad. 239. Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter; people the opposite. 44. 255. Stuart Turner, 247. Lily Tomlin Ive got three bones. Be like a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet from the inside., 11. - Bette Midler. A backbone. Some people are like clouds. Confidence makes me powerful. Who cares about the future? You know you are lazy when you get excited about canceling your plans. 95. Who says nothing is impossible? 204. We need to hear a pin drop. I may stumble along the way, but I will get over it. 169. 265. 68. A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. To anybody I hurt this year, I just wanna say you deserve it. 3. 154. I am not letting an episode of my life ruin the entire show. I understand people talking about me. I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. 5. Here are some tips on how to make the most of using these humorous affirmations: Laughter and affirmations are already powerful separately, so imagine what they can do for you when combined. 130. I am naturally cool, calm, and collected. Say "Thank you" - A Motivational Video On The Importance Of GratitudeIntro Speech by Denzel Washington (Commencement Speech)Main speech by Fearless Soul "Tha. 26. Lily Tomlin, 242. P.D. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. 71. Everyone recognizes how positive emotions can affect attitude and overall health. Short people with an umbrella. It can get you out of a tight corner and people who lack a sense of humor cannot do. 187. I dont have everything I want, but I have all I need. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. 214. 26. We have divided these daily funny affirmations in these sections; Also check out our post ondaily affirmations for womenandaffirmations for menthat can help you to feel motivated and reshape your limiting beliefs. So, why not team them up? You deserve it! I dont suffer from insanity. 108. Jackie Collins 13. Remember, no one can make you feel anything other than what YOU allow yourself. 74. Start your day on a positive and lighter note with these funny daily affirmations and quotes to get you through. Never let anyone waste your time twice. It gets toad away. Whether youre saying the affirmations aloud or writing them down, laughing along will only strengthen their effect. It just plain forms. Nine out of ten people love chocolate, and the 10th person is always lying. Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet, miss a car payment. Below youll find a collection of funny affirmations for work that will help you stay motivated and fight the work stress more efficiently. Have a look! I can engage in small acts of kindness to uplift other people. 107. 49. Sincerely, yourself. 41. 205. Just like every Monday does on Earth. Read next: 45 Self-Compassion Affirmations to Practice when Feeling Low. 244. People who talk behind my back are getting a great view. I release all shame about my body. You can also think of your affirmations while you work, drive, do yoga, or simply enjoy time with friends. - Bob Hope. My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour. I am on a seafood diet. 110. 8. 21. 133. 70. East I am awesome. I may not know karate, but I know crazy and Im not afraid to use it. 10. 35. If at first, you dont succeed, so much for skydiving. Well, I guess I have to be odd to be number one. People say you cant live without love, but I think oxygen is more important. My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it. 38. Alright, get in the basket. Give me a photo of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas. With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here. In between, I am alive. These affirmations will help you to combat the lies of the enemy in every aspect of your life. Never forget that broken crayons can also color. Why become moody when you can shake your booty. I love my computer because all my friends live inside it. I am here not to compete because I know I am neither the fastest nor the smartest. The only power you have is the word no. 84. It equates "weight loss" with thoughts like: I can. Sarcasm is a tool of highly intelligent people and if youre one of them (I bet you are), youre going to love these funny affirmations that are filled with humor and sarcasm. 191. So, you promise yourself from tomorrow on, youll be starting your days using affirmations. 209. 18 Funny Positive Affirmations. 116. Short Funny Affirmations. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.'. Ted Turner. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa. People only rain on my parade because they are jealous of my sun and tired of their shade., 14. When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess. 188. - George Burns. 195. How Do People Share The News About Their Engagements? But you can always be immature. How do astronomers organize a party? Albert Einstein I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. See more ideas about sarcastic, funny quotes, funny. Excuse me while I go on a ride on the porcelain steamer. Enjoying this list of funny affirmations so far? Allow your body to absorb the positivity of your words by repeating them to yourself. 150. Use them as a tool to boost your self-esteem and productivity, as well as to overcome procrastination and complete all assigned tasks. Quotes that make no sense Photo: pexels.com (modified by author) Source: UGC. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. Give me a photo of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas. A wishbone. I am attractive just as I am. Ben Hogan. Youre born free, then youre taxed to death. If I lose my hopes, I am afraid my mom will still scold me for taking it out and showing it to friends. You can write them down and use them whenever youre attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. Ann Landers I believe in what's possible for me. A wishbone. I enjoy every minute of it. Walking into a room and then forgetting why I am here is my daily cardio. If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front. 20. I sometimes might be too much, but I am always enough. Nothing, they just waved. Some when they enter, others when they leave., 2. 36. Rodney Dangerfield. 64. Life would be tragic if it werent funny too. 81. Why couldnt the leopard play hide and seek? Its called tomorrow. 147. Bill Gates. 275. Pampered cows produce spoiled milk. Run. Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along. 32. It makes them so damned mad. With a cowculator. 135. Adventures in Dating: Memoirs of a Single Mom, Adventures in Dating: Memoirs of Midlife Relationships, Did you know that having a good sense of humor is very important when it comes to social interaction? Your email address will not be published. Watch popular content from the following creators: Maaryfairyy(@maaryfairyy), Jasmines Garden(@jasminesgarden23), Dazley(@dazzlemeup), JaySean(@jaysean), Nathalie Munoz(@nathaliemunozx3) . Im going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, Im outstanding. Friends buy you food. Be kinder with yourself and change your thoughts for better health (physically and emotionally). This is a snap. Theres life without Facebook and internet? 93. - TS Eliot. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. Sincerely, the floor. Life is always rocky when youre a gem. 6. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. It will warm you twice unknown. My farts aren't nearly as bad as my dogs'. Whether its at other people or at ourselves, its good to laugh in life. 215. 2. You can simply try out one of our funny options, or think of affirmations that best match your sense of humor. Never ask a starfish for directions. Today, I look at my goals. Whats the difference between a guitar and a fish? 243. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. I did it! 95. Who says nothing is impossible? Pleasing everyone, thats impossible. I make a difference by showing up fully. "Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese.". Stop playing with me., 6. It's OK to take a break. Good morning! Bill Murray, 251. 1. Seeing a spider in my room isnt scary. I am already great, and I am yet to reach my full potential. Well, life isn't just about glitz and glamour nor rainbows and butterflies. Take a look! Whenever I get back home, I lose all the superpowers that I had when with friends. "You have to be odd to be number one.". Because it was soda pressing. My dream job would be the Karma delivery service. Get Love Tips Sent Straight To Your Inbox. This is because, in order to be funny, there are certain details that need to be perfectly delivered. 142. Everyone brings happiness to this office. A gummy bear. He who wakes up early, yawns all day long. Never take life seriously. Bill Murray, 258. I don't entertain negativity in any shape or form. I give over my anxiety to God, knowing His peace will protect my heart and mind. I love it when the coffee kicks in and I realize what an adorable badass I am going to be today. 177. Be like a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet from inside. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. 29. Good morning! Are these genes in your jeans or are you just happy to see me? Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when Im with you. Every day I become calmer and do more good for the world. "It's only WednesdayHang in there!". The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Alright, get in the basket.. 170. Nobody gets out alive anyway. Steven Alexander Wright. Finally, if you want a simple tool to record and recite these affirmations, then check out these 13 affirmations apps that help you create a positive mindset. Why cant you play cards on a small boat? Words have the power to make or break us. A perfectly executed joke, said at a right time and at a right place, can change an awkward situation into a comfortable one. 'If you would like to know the value of money, try to borrow some.'. New year, new me. Remember: Dont Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. 63. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Should I Send My Child to Therapy? In the morning, I cant get up. 134. Why is England the wettest country? I am positive. Because seven ate nine. Then, think about how easy it would be to say a simple statement to yourself throughout the day. 9. Can February march? I tell you what always catches my eye. Heres some short funny affirmations that will hopefully brighten up your day. My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met. 237. I wonder, do we lazy people go to heaven or do they send someone to pick us up? Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. Cindy from Marzahn Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the journey. 37. I dont need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer. 196. The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them. Affirmations can be written in a journal, spoken out loud, or visualized as a conversation between you and money. Inspiring Quotes About Life "Here, we like to keep you inspired by showing you beautiful words of wisdom based . "What doesn't kill you makes your drinks stronger.". Pleasing everyone, thats impossible. 92. 143. Edward A. Murphy. Find a short calm and peaceful moment in your day and use it for setting your mindset up for happiness. The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. 43. You might use humor as a coping mechanism. 100 Funny Christmas Quotes. Not sure who to credit this meme to, but kudos. But sometimes affirmations may not work. After all, laughter is a universal way to express yourself. A quote to live by for when life gets bitter. Maybe there are no excuses to be lazy, but Im still going to keep looking. If youre hotter than me, then that means Im cooler than you. 127. Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. Reciting witty affirmations can help you rise above any problems you encounter. I radiate calmness and tranquility, with a little side of body odor., 4. Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when youre done. The early bird catches the worm, eats more and dies sooner. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. I dont need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late. Relaxing the mind with some funny affirmations is an easy way to reduce stress and keep yourself grounded in moments of turmoil. 30. To the guy who created imaginary numbers in math: I hate you. Honolulu, its got everything. Focus on the positives and be grateful. 30. And get over it. He who laughs last didnt get it. I will not let my mind be a bully to my body. 111. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. 270. 223. Self-love is the greatest middle finger of all time., See also: 210 Killer Self Love Captions For Instagram To Lift You Up. I dont go crazy, I am crazy. I can't make everyone happy, I'm not tequila. If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side. You were too lazy to read that number. 119. Wilson Mizner, 262. Please excuse me while I go check the plumbing. What better way to do that than through your own self-talk? Using affirmations can significantly impact your outlook on life, but saying such serious statements to yourself can often make you feel silly. 4. We all need a little energy boost here and there. 139. It will just flow naturally. 48. My jokes do. 173. Good morning! 1. Some when they enter, others when they leave. Benjamin Franklin. 121. I woke up with some aches and pains, but I woke up. Its okay if people dont like me. There's value in patting yourself (and your friends) on the back.Positive affirmations are statements that can help brighten your outlook on the world when you say them to yourself regularly or write them down in a journal.While affirmations are no substitute for professional help such as therapy when you're experiencing anxiety or depression, those who swear by the power of uplifting . 266. Excuse me, I need to go be awesome today. This is the beauty of funny affirmations. Related Post: 201 Awesome Short Inspirational Quotes About Life. But you're not as old as you're going to be.". Trust me, your secrets are safe with me and all of my friends. There might be affiliate links on this page, which means we get a small commission of anything you buy. Giving up on myself because of one setback is like slashing my other three tires because one is flat., 10. Before using these amusing affirmations, you should believe in your sense of humor. If youre just starting your affirmation journey, you might feel skeptical at first. 250. I am constantly growing and improving. - Unkmown. 211. Funny positive affirmations do work. I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. My body deserves love. Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize. You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish. Yesterday I did nothing and today Im finishing what I did yesterday. 145. Because he was always spotted. 63. 269. Short Positive Affirmations "I Am" Affirmations. I wasnt mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if Im mad.. yes, Im mad! Im going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, Im outstanding. Czech proverb, 261. Im sorry that Im not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse. Albert Einstein, 190. It gets toad away. I am tough and resilient. 54. 227. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. And, it doesnt have to be hard or complicated! I am full of vitality. 252. Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place, the fridge. Nothing, they just waved. I might go home today, but I will go bigger tomorrow. It just plain forms. I didnt give a f*ck yesterday, I dont give a f*ck today, and I wont give a f*ck tomorrow either. 278. Microchips. 155. You are good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, and strong enough. Those who snore always fall asleep first. Wilson Mizner When nothing is going right, go left. About Us | Privacy Policy | Terms | Contact 2023 Quotement. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. They planet. George Burns 277. If Cinderellas shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off? 160. Lorrin L. Lee. Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control. Nine out of ten people love chocolate, and the 10th person is always lying. "Change is not a four letter word but often your reaction to it is!". I didnt mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button. 167. "Start each day with a positive thought and a grateful heart.". 263. If Monday had a face, I would punch it. The rhythm of the weekend, with its birth, its planned gaieties, and its announced end, followed the rhythm of life and was a substitute for it. I will be the type of person I would like my children to become. 179. 171. Dont make me laugh, Im trying to be mad at you.

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